Stressed out, Sneaking veggies into Tristan's diet, Broke, and Wedding Planning

I am beyond stressed out right now and I've yet to pinpoint the trigger.
Maybe it's that I've not taken the time to force myself to do yoga on a daily basis; maybe there's too much on my plate; maybe it's the thought of a wedding, tiny, huge or even eloping; maybe not having a job is leaving me with too much alone time to think... and a hundred other reasons.

If Tristan had it the way he wanted it he would live on Cheetos. While I despise snack foods and all the lack of nutrition they bring to an empty stomach, I occasionally will agree to let them cross the threshold. Recently I've had to find new and sometimes seemingly disgusting ways to sneak veggies into his diet. For Steven & I it's not really a huge deal, we are way more happy with a plate of grilled veggies than any super sweet cake you throw our way. We've even said we probably will forgo the cake at any reception that may follow whatever ceremony we eventually choose. But back to Tristan's veggie dilemma. From an early age he's had a skill in picking out the one green thing in his mouth and promptly spitting out only that 1 green item. It's amazing to me that this is possible, but he's a kid so maybe it's a talent he'll grow out of. Recently I've went so far as to take a cup of our stir fry veggies, blending it, adding tomato to it for red coloring and passing it off as pasta sauce over his rice. Today he's eating veggie chicken nuggets. I just can't figure out why oh why it's so hard to get a kid to eat halfway decent... wait i remember... it's the grandparents.

I find it sad personally that today I downloaded an app for my phone to track my daily spending. I know I'm a shopper, I get it honestly. (Thanks Mom) but it sucks when you get to a point where there are almost no options... I guess I should start saving now so I don't get too overwhelmed when my unemployment runs out and I've yet to find a job that will pay the bills and won't even cover the cost of daycare.

I'm about to the stress level where I'm about to say enough. I'm not really sure where I would want a wedding to be. I know only a few things I want for my wedding. I want a massage the morning of, a nice light lunch before the ceremony, I want pictures, I want a nice and easy romantic dinner after the ceremony on the wedding night, I don't want to be too tired to consummate my marriage, and I want a nice relaxing honeymoon. I really don't think these things are too much to ask but who knows.

Neo-Marriage

Anyone who’s been married at a young age, had children and divorced knows the benefits that can come from a single status on many financial statements, tax returns, financial aid applications, any low income government assistance program. So why is it so beneficial to do things “the wrong way”? I’m of course divorced, who hasn’t experienced one in today’s society, but I’m also newly engaged. As a currently “single for tax purposes” girl this gets my neo-hippie side thinking and the long flowy skirts & sandals are broken out yet again; Ok, it’s summer so they’re actually already out.

I’ll share the story of my first marriage and divorce. We married when I was 21, he was 23. I realize this is young by today’s standards but we were obsessively in love. For the first 5 years of our marriage, including the birth of our son, there was virtually no work that had to be put into it. Our last year of marriage was a doozy. Work was beyond stressing me out, I worked with my mother in law and I hope I don’t have to tell you how bad of a situation that is, because of my mother in law I lost interest in my husband, I believe we may have had sex a dozen times over the course of that year, and at my breaking point I had a friend who took his own life. All of these things left me in shambles. I finally sought out help but unlucky for me as my first appointment was approaching my husband came home one night, told me he had been unhappy for a year, not once had he mentioned a word of this to me, and walked out the door of our home for good. This was the week before Thanksgiving. So I cried, a lot, lost almost 30 lbs in 3 weeks from not eating. Lucky for me I’d already had all my Christmas shopping complete so I didn’t have to worry about any of that. A few days before Christmas my husband asked for a divorce, as much as I didn’t want to I gave in and we took care of the whole process ourselves, no lawyers. He knew he was in the wrong so he let me have everything, all he wanted was to see his son on a regular basis and I’ll give it to the guy he does love his son almost more than anything.

But back to my main point, In today’s society a marriage license really holds no value, there’s always an easy out, the sanctity of marriage does not hold true in today’s government. If marriage is a covenant between man and woman and between the couple and God then why is government even involved? (I don’t want to alarm anyone who’s in a same sex marriage, I completely support you in your longing for love just as any other individual, but for the purposes of my rant, I wanted to referenced the actual church beliefs) What about the separation of church & state? I really won’t go into this realm of conversation. Why? If the government wants people to do things “the right way” then why do they make it so beneficial for people to do thing “the wrong way”. Now I’m also not a religious person, but I can get behind their views on marriage, less the 1 Man & 1 Woman only thing.

But again back to topic. I’m getting married! But how? My neo-hippie brain is working this out as we speak. Besides my “down with the man” attitude, I have a bit of knowledge on the financial side as well. I’ve prepared taxes for about 5 years now and I’ve witnessed the benefits single mothers or individual are granted. And I also know from personal experience the many fewer benefits you receive from being married on your tax return. Another penalty I’ve recently come upon is government assistance for college. Before my divorce I was expected to pay for college entirely out of pocket. I did not qualify for any government assistance. Now that I’m a “single mother” almost every bit of my college is being paid for. And I won’t dive into all the other “single mother” government assistance programs that are available. This Link has a few more of the general pros & cons on the financial side of marriage. All I really took from this is to just make sure to make it legal before either one of you kicks the bucket. But that’s what I’m saying, if it’s only going to benefit us after one or the other passes then why should we penalize ourselves when we’ve got long lives to live?

Why, if no legal state marriage then do I want all the pretties that go along with your standard wedding vows? I have a soft spot for symbols, and wedding and rings are just that. Forgive me women’s rights activist but I want the world to see that I belong to my man and him to me. I’m proud to be his woman; if I wasn’t then I’m sure I wouldn’t be so concerned about the current topic. As for a wedding, I want to share our union with our family and friends and I’d like for us to look nice doing that. I really don’t think it’s too much to ask.

My plan for this religious/government mess: In a short simple explanation, I want a contract. Between me and my spouse, stating that in the event of impending separation we are legally bound to attend a minimum of 6 months of weekly counseling. If a split is because of a person’s unfaithfulness then the guilty party is to leave the relationship immediately with a steep financial penalty. (Because really, let’s face it the only way you can hurt someone who’s not invested is by hitting their pocketbook) Children, custody and child support can also be written into this contract. For me personally this would be to insure that either parent’s rights are not taken away, both have options, and lastly that the children are taken care of in the best possible way. (Satisfactory living spaces and everything else a child deserves with both parents together or separately) Keep in mind this contract could be constructed to fit the needs of any individual couple wanting an almost marriage without all the financial penalties that come along with it. It’s a rough start and I’m sure there will be many more conversations about it but hey it’s a start.

Beauty in the Breakdown?

Song of the day? Maybe. Song of the month? Possibly. Song for the last year of my life? Most definitely.

This only comes up because over the past 6 months or so I've slowly been discovering who the people around me really are and what they mean to me.

I once heard a movie quote that the reason a couple was separating is because they were nothing more than "really awesome roommates". As I look more into what my life was I don't see much more than basically that. Don't get me wrong, I do believethat there was intense and deep love originally but that I believe that may have been it. I didn't want to believe it when Kyle told me that we just didn't have anything in common anymore. Maybe it's because we really never had anything in common except the love for our son.

I've thought to myself that the only really hard transition for me when Kyle left was dealing with being alone in the house. The single parent aspect was not really a big deal because most of the time I already felt like a single mom. Kyle wouldn't join us on outings or to doctors visits. If Tristan was sick I was the one who had to take off work to stay @ home with a sick baby even though Kyle worked from home and didn't really do much except stare into a computer all day. Oh that's also what was happening when we were on our outings. We have a zoo membership and would be there every weekend, and Kyle would only join us a handful of times. Yea I know the zoo gets boring every weekend but it's a cheap outing, you can get in your exercise and the boy has a blast. Especially when the splash park's open.

I use to say that if you care about someone you'll deal with their friends just to be around that someone. Maybe I've lost faith in this statement. I want to believe it but after the newness wears off is it really more about just not dealing with those people. I love my best friend Jessica. She is probably the person in the world that I love the most besides my own flesh & blood. Granted I find her annoying probably about a third of the time she's still the person I'm always content to spend my time with. Doesn't hurt that her beautiful little girl is close to Tristan's age so that in itself makes our time together better and easier. But back to the main point. Do the people I marry or date really like me enough to deal with my friends on an almost every day basis?

it's been a while

Needless to say the lack of writing has been in direct correlation with unexpectedly being swept off my feet by the sweetest of guys. I'm not sure how I of all people get this lucky. I did have an epiphany the other day while talking to my best bud of long. I'm actually not lucky anywhere else in life but in love and I'll take that. I feel for this friend, she's a beautiful person (OK so I'm exaggerating a bit, but...) My friend has never stayed with a guy I recommended to her, I believe it's because of fear of something good happening to her. But I can't let this be my concern. I try to help her and I think she may have recently learned to listen to me because I would never intentionally steer her wrong, but it's too late for the many a man I've sent her way. But back to me.

I feel very lucky and loved to have such great people in my life. I'm grateful for my naive best friend of long, my kooky best friend of soul, my obsessed best friend of experience, my caring best friend of heart, my sweetest best friend of birth, and my newest best friend of touch and taste.

my escape

I've always had an obsession and lust for food. It's actually my one of my strongest natural instincts, right behind that mothering instinct. My love affair with good food is not as long lived as I would like but I'll deal. It's been a refreshing do-over from my most recent relationship that the new man in my life is a foodie who likes to cook.
I've never really been OK with just anyone in my kitchen. I'm very protective of my kitchen space, it's always been mine and mine alone. There have been very very few I've let into that space. There has to be a balance in a kitchen, a flow, almost a beautiful dance in synchronized harmony. Ups and downs, turns and passes, all to insure the safety of course and most importantly to the outcome of a beautiful and tasty meal to enjoy with loved ones.
Nothing calms me more than a glass of wine in one hand and a knife in the other. (yes I know that sounds bad, but hopefully you get what I really mean)My kitchen is my escape from everyday life. So why should I let just anyone in? I don't, so those of you who I allow in my small haven are pretty damn special. I've allowed you to cross more than my personal boundaries and into my life. I've allowed you into my kitchen.

Full Moon in Virgo on Saturday

I'm a superstitious person. Always have been. The few times I've ignored my gut have ultimately turned out bad, may have taken some time but the worse came out of these situations.
I check my horoscope. I don't base my life around it but I check it. It does usually seem to be a day behind though.
I generally only pay attention to the good days, cause if it's bad I'll already know it and from that point on I'll force it to be better.
Our lives are more judged by the moon than any of us really want to give it credit for.

Choices

With everything completely backwards that's happened to me over the past 4 months, I've finally realized that the choices I have now to make are my own and mine alone. They always have been really but there have too many others to please with my choices and being the giving person I am, I always choose to pass on my personal happiness for another.

The people I choose to associate myself with are by my choice. The people I choose to give my time to are my choice. The foods I decide to eat, and the places I choose to frequent are my choice.

There is one person only in my life that I will pass my happiness on to and I hope that's an obvious one to all.

on the road

It's 3am cst... I have never been so bored on a trip. I've got a lot of time to do some thinking over the next four days... also there's little to no intelligent conversation, so I'll probably wish I was alone the entire time.
My uncle is currently driving and making me sick and super nervous. I didn't know any one person could ride that bumpy side thing in the road for so long... and they got mad at me for checking my phone while driving... at least I had an excuse.
Looks like I'll be in Dallas Friday! Yay, I get to make the stop @ the new Pizza Hut RSC. I'm looking forward meeting some people I talk to daily and seeing some old friends.
I am finding out that what I believed is true... I am the only adult in our caravan on this trip ;).

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i, love, you

3 very small words that pack a huge punch when used in the correct context.

I'm still not sure how i feel about these 3 words. Obviously spoken there should be the feeling behind it but again it does not take speaking words to feel an emotion.

love is an emotion that can take time to grow or be instantaneous. generally it's based on an individuals acceptance of a situation.

Love Mix - Up

Love Mix - Down

Sometimes you just know.

I have known immediately about 2 people total in my life how I would always feel. Surprisingly both of those individuals are too busy to take notice. One was a very long time ago and one pretty recent. Both of these people have brought out the crazy in me, but I believe that's a reason i feel so strongly. The most passionate and extreme emotions one can feel are for someone that can drive them to their extremes. Good & Bad. These relationships generally never last, and understandably so. When that much emotion is throw into such a small space it will generally destroy everything in it's path. But the ride is well worth the pain in the end.

One would think that by dating someone older you would gain some experience points in many of the standard aspects of dating & relationships. I have since found this to be very untrue. Not that I have dated many older men (older being 37+ seeing as how a 1o year differential is accepted as normal). Thus the 1 older man I've dated was awkward socially and a beyond terrible kisser. (maybe I should make this private ;) ) Maybe someone older doesn't necessarily have the experience.

Gaining experience is about opening yourself up to new challenges & changes right, being open to experimentation, allowing your boundaries to be broken down and accepting the fear that comes along with it and embracing it.

I seek experience, life, broken boundaries and above all else intense emotion.

You can't help who you love

It took me the longest time to believe this, but now I do. And I'm still not a better person for it unfortunately.

What even is love - can anyone really tell me? Love should not be able to be expressed in words but more a touch, an urge, an obsession of sorts. Is love even feasible? Is monogamy acceptable in our ever changing brain chemistry? How easy is it to turn off our brains and that capacity for caring? All simple questions that I've experienced the answers of. But the realization of these questions & answers is a completely different story.

Yesterday was good and bad. Today I don't really hold high hopes for... Do I have the capacity to read the cards I lay out in front of me? I hope so. Wish me luck.

Card reading over... surprisingly spot on from my intuition.
I'll document for later purposes.
FYI - these are not initials.
Love Money Arguments Problems
K S 3 3 4 2
K D 2 2 2 5
K C 2 4 3 2

Ask me out - K D
Best lover - K S
Make me happiest - K D
Unfaithful - K S
Most heartache - K C
Loves me most - K C
Fulfill my wish - K S
Bad tempered - K S

So... not surprisingly I can see most of this as spot on.

Booking Flights and Making Reservations

Ahh Plans... I'm loving it.

Currently I'm making reservations for my Disney Trip in June and Booking my flight to Mexico in April.

In May, I'm going to tear my mud room down and put me up a porch.

And I guess I should start mapping out my garden now.





wtf wtf wtf... that's how my day has gone. i'm not going any further into that.

Sooooo Tired

Yesterday was long... @ work @ 7, Block @ 5:30 - home @ 9:30 to paint till 11 then talk till 1... blah

I'm developing a deeper sense of what I want in a partner...

Anticipation

guess it's easy to say I'm looking forward to a free weekend... apparently i don't have to work so that's a yay i guess.

By Golly!

well it's 10:30 but the day thus far is going smashing.

Well this past weekend was one for the emotional books...
I'm hoping I didn't screw up the possibility of a good thing because I'm way too honest. I don't regret anything, then again I never do. I am comfortable enough with myself to have no regrets. Which I guess is a pretty damn bold statement... Go me!

Friday - Finally

Not that there's anything big planned for tonight like there was last week but it's nice to know that the week's over and I get to relax for the next 3 days. Yes that's right 3... Monday's a holiday so i get to keep my happy ass in bed Monday morning for as long as Tristan will let me sleep.

Back's still killing me. I am in desperate need of a massage. I actually started a tax return for an awesome young massage therapist the other day, maybe I should give her a call. Or there's always Magic Fingers, I always knew she would do something with those amazing hands of hers. Either way I am in need of a rub down.

Had dinner with the soon to be ex last night... it was oddly productive I guess. We were polite and able to speak as friends I believe. I did get upset a few times but nothing drastic. 7 years is alot of time to invest in 1 person and not be upset about it.

ok well i've had an extremely crazy day, super fun for once but crazy. I totally think i've scared a few people away... hope not... but who knows.

So getting hopes up... I figure I do better when i don't get those pesky hopes up, no expectations. but it's so hard for me to live without hopes and expectations. I'm not sure what i'm feeling, i know what i want to feel but the feelings are hiding out in a deep dark corner until they are prompted to evacuate. so who's going to pull that damn fire alarm? somebody's gotta - i only hope it's the right person.

In Talking to K:
we figured this out
K:
see dude you are a lot like me
did you eer feel like you were the man in your relationship with kyle
B:
oh fuck yea all the time
K:
sometimes i feel like my and mine hubbys roles are reversed
B:
my parents even said i was the 1 who wore the pants
K:
HA HA HA
B:
no joke
K:
i wear the pants becuas emy husband wont
so what am i to do
then he resents it
its like man up and grow balls
B:
dude i'm not sure there is much you can do about it... i just hope yours doesnt' end like mine... we're alot alike personality wise... we very strong in our beliefs and only willing to sway if we can be proven factually wrong... i think men see that as a challenge and then find out later on they can't handle it
K:
HAHAHA you summed it up totally
but the thing is
i have dated people who were like No, this is how I want it
and becuase they stand up to me
i give respect and it's not my way all the time
B:
yup
K:
so its not like i have to be that way
but men bring it out of me
B:
and it's always gonna be that way for us i think... also having kids gives us more reason to stand strong for ourselves and our kids
K:
oh yeah


Well awesome to hell in 60 seconds...
Kyle just called to tell me he was offered and declined a job in Dallas, which is apparently the 4th largest Triple A market in the country, because he didn't want to leave "us". I wish he would freaking leave. It would make my like a million times easier. Also I wish he would stop rubbing his success (which is half because of me) in my face. Why did i fucking sacrifice for 7 years to get him to where he wanted to be just to get dumped on... oh well i did it because we were supposed to be a team. we were supposed to take care of each other... right that's what you do when your married.... oooooh fuck him. This is why i drink.

Sometimes it's like he's pouring salt in an open wound for the fun of it. Above anything else I hate feeling used... just because i have my shit straight, and have a good head on my shoulders doesn't mean the losers of the world can latch on for a ride to where they want to go. I don't have the will to push anyone else up the ladder, i can barely make it up myself at this point.

This should have been added earlier - but here we go.
Song of the day - Aerosmith - Dream on

It makes me wonder...

It's been proven before that I'm a quick recovery from a breakup, my husband was technically a rebound guy... but this one should have been harder right? Don't get me wrong it is hard sometimes, but overall I've made my peace and am ready to move on in a more positive direction. That's the part that makes me wonder... why and how am I ok with all this? Distractions are definitely a help, but one would generally turn to alcohol or something of the sort to numb themselves. I've steered away from alcohol more recently, and away from most destructive behavior (I say most because when I'm with Jess there is usually something that will go wrong and one of us will end up hurt)

Inspirational Video of the Day:
Bon Jovi - Livin' on a Prayer
Dedicated to Jess... my best friend on the planet or universe really. We'll totally make it as long as we have each other.

Also this vid could be linked to the
Inspirational Chick Flick of the Week:
A View From the Top
One of my personal fav feel good movies.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even get my hopes up... every individual is a possibility but I'm scared to invest too much emotion, too much thought, but that's who I am... I'm an "all in" kind of girl. I just can't help it...

Down

AM
Sometimes I really can't help but be down on myself...
Today - it's who and why would anyone want me... I feel used up, like everything I've ever had is just drained. Like I'm not good enough... I hate these days.

PM
Jess brought up a good point today.
Are we too willing and eager to jump into a relationship because we're lonely?

I am a relationship person, have been since my first boyfriend @ 16. I have was married for 6 years and together with my soon to be ex for 7 1/2 years. Before that I was in a 2 year relationship, and before that another 2 year relationship. I am 27 years old so if you do the math that puts me in a relationship for the last 11 years. Since I started dating, I have not been alone, without boyfriend/ husband for more than a 3 month period, and generally that 3 month period was that long because I wanted it to be.

It's obvious, I'm vulnerable right now. Who wouldn't be in my situation, and lonely sometimes, yes. But I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. I'm just not sure I know how to be alone. I definitely am not familiar with being a single mom and how that will affect future relationships. So far guys seem to be OK with the dating a girl with a kid thing, and I mean I'm not the slut whore who just got pregnant by mistake girl. I was married for 3 years and my son was very planned. Husband just decided to bail, that's not my fault right. (well at least I'm told by most people including him that I'm not to blame) I was a good wife, and I'm a great mother. All I wanted to do was take care of my family.

So far, with guys that is, (yes already guys and I'm not 2 months single), I've fallen back to be my same old self. I'm particular. I always have been. It's not about money, it's not about job, I'm not looking for someone to take care of me, I can do that on my own... it's about comfort. I shouldn't have to feel like I need to impress you, because I don't have the energy to impress anyone, never have, it's just a waste. I only want to be me and I don't think that's too much to ask for someone to accept me for me. I'm pretty damn awesome. And the most attractive thing to me is comfort. I love it best waking up on a Saturday morning, hairs a mess, throw on some ratty old pants and a t-shirt and just hang out. Confidence can be attractive, but more of a naive confidence. Just being comfortable with who you are and not looking to impress.

wow... am I the girl that guys just want to date, not settle down with, but just date. (well that's probably every girl because 99% of men are assholes) Dating's weird for me, I'm apparently an amazing flirt, (thanks Jess for that backhanded compliment) but once things progress I immediately turn into relationship Brit.

And - this was supposed to be posted yesterday!

oops... so i've already slipped

But in my defense it was for good reason. I wont' go into all the detail of that good reason but there was good reason.

TODAY! YAY! FRIDAY FINALLY!

i should be capturing my playlist for the morning but that takes too much effort with the work i need to be doing...

but today's gonna be good, great! i love it when the music fills my body and courses through my veins making every bit of me tingle to the point of numb. there is no better feeling in the world. Maybe the only thing better is when a touch makes me feel that way, and I'm hoping for that. Not tonight, but soon again.

Playlist right now = me dancing topless in a long flowy skirt in a field full of hippies... i love it! - aka - jam bands

Blah...

it's not a good day, but it's not a bad day either...

I'm so tired and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and go to sleep. Periods suck, but the alternative would be menopause or pregnancy and I'm not ready for either one of those just yet.... more to come later if i get bored during tax training.

Tax Training is over for the evening and I'm sitting @ home eating string cheese watching a movie alone. :( what a life...

but on the positive side of things... I'm going to actually get a tax refund this year. This will be the first time ever for me, so I've made some plans.
March - Mom, Dad, Drew, Tristan and me are going to Disney World!
May - I will be spending a glorious week in Mexico visiting one of my best friends who is assisting in opening a resort of sorts. A little island with me on it in a bathing suit and a fruity drink in hand. I can't think of anything better.
June - Disney World again, but this time with Jess and Amelia.
Then at some point later in the year if I have anything left i'm escaping to italy and france for a week. - or maybe New Years in New York!

This eveing, before tax training... lets just say wasn't the best of evenings. I had a melt down because like always... ugh... i don't even want to go into it

Sooooooo Bored

So... my day has started. I didn't want to wake up, after I'd already woke up 30 min before the alarm went off and felt great, but talked myself back to sleep. Go me!

I got sick last night, had an emotional breakdown but kept it hidden pretty well, or so I think, who knows.

more to come later... if i feel like it

Day 4 of the New Year

So far so good... not really too many complaints. I'm gearing up for the tax season and anxiously awaiting the $ that it will bring in (anythings a help right now). Then hopefully this summer or fall I can start back to school. I have no clue what I want to do right now. I have ideas but...

I've already done my allotted writing today on Tristan's Blog so I don't feel too bad about cutting this short!.

Guess I should date these... Nahhhh

Well i'll start this morning off right... Good Morning.

It's my first day back @ work and it feels good to get back to something normal! There's tons to catch up on and tons of meetings to attend this week. Boring, I know. I really really know. ;)

So back to the grind... if i get more time later I'll add.

ha ha look @ that

Day 1 and I've almost blown it already... its late and I'm in bed... boys on his cot next to me.
He's been sick. Guess he got the funk uncle Drew had, that blows. I also think it has something to do with stress making his immune system weak.
But tomorrow is the first Monday of the new year. I really don't want to go back to work but bills gotta be paid. And lucky Friday is payday. So ill be able to get something paid.
Goodnight.

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