Sometimes you just know.

I have known immediately about 2 people total in my life how I would always feel. Surprisingly both of those individuals are too busy to take notice. One was a very long time ago and one pretty recent. Both of these people have brought out the crazy in me, but I believe that's a reason i feel so strongly. The most passionate and extreme emotions one can feel are for someone that can drive them to their extremes. Good & Bad. These relationships generally never last, and understandably so. When that much emotion is throw into such a small space it will generally destroy everything in it's path. But the ride is well worth the pain in the end.

One would think that by dating someone older you would gain some experience points in many of the standard aspects of dating & relationships. I have since found this to be very untrue. Not that I have dated many older men (older being 37+ seeing as how a 1o year differential is accepted as normal). Thus the 1 older man I've dated was awkward socially and a beyond terrible kisser. (maybe I should make this private ;) ) Maybe someone older doesn't necessarily have the experience.

Gaining experience is about opening yourself up to new challenges & changes right, being open to experimentation, allowing your boundaries to be broken down and accepting the fear that comes along with it and embracing it.

I seek experience, life, broken boundaries and above all else intense emotion.

You can't help who you love

It took me the longest time to believe this, but now I do. And I'm still not a better person for it unfortunately.

What even is love - can anyone really tell me? Love should not be able to be expressed in words but more a touch, an urge, an obsession of sorts. Is love even feasible? Is monogamy acceptable in our ever changing brain chemistry? How easy is it to turn off our brains and that capacity for caring? All simple questions that I've experienced the answers of. But the realization of these questions & answers is a completely different story.

Yesterday was good and bad. Today I don't really hold high hopes for... Do I have the capacity to read the cards I lay out in front of me? I hope so. Wish me luck.

Card reading over... surprisingly spot on from my intuition.
I'll document for later purposes.
FYI - these are not initials.
Love Money Arguments Problems
K S 3 3 4 2
K D 2 2 2 5
K C 2 4 3 2

Ask me out - K D
Best lover - K S
Make me happiest - K D
Unfaithful - K S
Most heartache - K C
Loves me most - K C
Fulfill my wish - K S
Bad tempered - K S

So... not surprisingly I can see most of this as spot on.

Booking Flights and Making Reservations

Ahh Plans... I'm loving it.

Currently I'm making reservations for my Disney Trip in June and Booking my flight to Mexico in April.

In May, I'm going to tear my mud room down and put me up a porch.

And I guess I should start mapping out my garden now.





wtf wtf wtf... that's how my day has gone. i'm not going any further into that.

Sooooo Tired

Yesterday was long... @ work @ 7, Block @ 5:30 - home @ 9:30 to paint till 11 then talk till 1... blah

I'm developing a deeper sense of what I want in a partner...

Anticipation

guess it's easy to say I'm looking forward to a free weekend... apparently i don't have to work so that's a yay i guess.

By Golly!

well it's 10:30 but the day thus far is going smashing.

Well this past weekend was one for the emotional books...
I'm hoping I didn't screw up the possibility of a good thing because I'm way too honest. I don't regret anything, then again I never do. I am comfortable enough with myself to have no regrets. Which I guess is a pretty damn bold statement... Go me!

Friday - Finally

Not that there's anything big planned for tonight like there was last week but it's nice to know that the week's over and I get to relax for the next 3 days. Yes that's right 3... Monday's a holiday so i get to keep my happy ass in bed Monday morning for as long as Tristan will let me sleep.

Back's still killing me. I am in desperate need of a massage. I actually started a tax return for an awesome young massage therapist the other day, maybe I should give her a call. Or there's always Magic Fingers, I always knew she would do something with those amazing hands of hers. Either way I am in need of a rub down.

Had dinner with the soon to be ex last night... it was oddly productive I guess. We were polite and able to speak as friends I believe. I did get upset a few times but nothing drastic. 7 years is alot of time to invest in 1 person and not be upset about it.

ok well i've had an extremely crazy day, super fun for once but crazy. I totally think i've scared a few people away... hope not... but who knows.

So getting hopes up... I figure I do better when i don't get those pesky hopes up, no expectations. but it's so hard for me to live without hopes and expectations. I'm not sure what i'm feeling, i know what i want to feel but the feelings are hiding out in a deep dark corner until they are prompted to evacuate. so who's going to pull that damn fire alarm? somebody's gotta - i only hope it's the right person.

In Talking to K:
we figured this out
K:
see dude you are a lot like me
did you eer feel like you were the man in your relationship with kyle
B:
oh fuck yea all the time
K:
sometimes i feel like my and mine hubbys roles are reversed
B:
my parents even said i was the 1 who wore the pants
K:
HA HA HA
B:
no joke
K:
i wear the pants becuas emy husband wont
so what am i to do
then he resents it
its like man up and grow balls
B:
dude i'm not sure there is much you can do about it... i just hope yours doesnt' end like mine... we're alot alike personality wise... we very strong in our beliefs and only willing to sway if we can be proven factually wrong... i think men see that as a challenge and then find out later on they can't handle it
K:
HAHAHA you summed it up totally
but the thing is
i have dated people who were like No, this is how I want it
and becuase they stand up to me
i give respect and it's not my way all the time
B:
yup
K:
so its not like i have to be that way
but men bring it out of me
B:
and it's always gonna be that way for us i think... also having kids gives us more reason to stand strong for ourselves and our kids
K:
oh yeah


Well awesome to hell in 60 seconds...
Kyle just called to tell me he was offered and declined a job in Dallas, which is apparently the 4th largest Triple A market in the country, because he didn't want to leave "us". I wish he would freaking leave. It would make my like a million times easier. Also I wish he would stop rubbing his success (which is half because of me) in my face. Why did i fucking sacrifice for 7 years to get him to where he wanted to be just to get dumped on... oh well i did it because we were supposed to be a team. we were supposed to take care of each other... right that's what you do when your married.... oooooh fuck him. This is why i drink.

Sometimes it's like he's pouring salt in an open wound for the fun of it. Above anything else I hate feeling used... just because i have my shit straight, and have a good head on my shoulders doesn't mean the losers of the world can latch on for a ride to where they want to go. I don't have the will to push anyone else up the ladder, i can barely make it up myself at this point.

This should have been added earlier - but here we go.
Song of the day - Aerosmith - Dream on

It makes me wonder...

It's been proven before that I'm a quick recovery from a breakup, my husband was technically a rebound guy... but this one should have been harder right? Don't get me wrong it is hard sometimes, but overall I've made my peace and am ready to move on in a more positive direction. That's the part that makes me wonder... why and how am I ok with all this? Distractions are definitely a help, but one would generally turn to alcohol or something of the sort to numb themselves. I've steered away from alcohol more recently, and away from most destructive behavior (I say most because when I'm with Jess there is usually something that will go wrong and one of us will end up hurt)

Inspirational Video of the Day:
Bon Jovi - Livin' on a Prayer
Dedicated to Jess... my best friend on the planet or universe really. We'll totally make it as long as we have each other.

Also this vid could be linked to the
Inspirational Chick Flick of the Week:
A View From the Top
One of my personal fav feel good movies.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even get my hopes up... every individual is a possibility but I'm scared to invest too much emotion, too much thought, but that's who I am... I'm an "all in" kind of girl. I just can't help it...

Down

AM
Sometimes I really can't help but be down on myself...
Today - it's who and why would anyone want me... I feel used up, like everything I've ever had is just drained. Like I'm not good enough... I hate these days.

PM
Jess brought up a good point today.
Are we too willing and eager to jump into a relationship because we're lonely?

I am a relationship person, have been since my first boyfriend @ 16. I have was married for 6 years and together with my soon to be ex for 7 1/2 years. Before that I was in a 2 year relationship, and before that another 2 year relationship. I am 27 years old so if you do the math that puts me in a relationship for the last 11 years. Since I started dating, I have not been alone, without boyfriend/ husband for more than a 3 month period, and generally that 3 month period was that long because I wanted it to be.

It's obvious, I'm vulnerable right now. Who wouldn't be in my situation, and lonely sometimes, yes. But I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. I'm just not sure I know how to be alone. I definitely am not familiar with being a single mom and how that will affect future relationships. So far guys seem to be OK with the dating a girl with a kid thing, and I mean I'm not the slut whore who just got pregnant by mistake girl. I was married for 3 years and my son was very planned. Husband just decided to bail, that's not my fault right. (well at least I'm told by most people including him that I'm not to blame) I was a good wife, and I'm a great mother. All I wanted to do was take care of my family.

So far, with guys that is, (yes already guys and I'm not 2 months single), I've fallen back to be my same old self. I'm particular. I always have been. It's not about money, it's not about job, I'm not looking for someone to take care of me, I can do that on my own... it's about comfort. I shouldn't have to feel like I need to impress you, because I don't have the energy to impress anyone, never have, it's just a waste. I only want to be me and I don't think that's too much to ask for someone to accept me for me. I'm pretty damn awesome. And the most attractive thing to me is comfort. I love it best waking up on a Saturday morning, hairs a mess, throw on some ratty old pants and a t-shirt and just hang out. Confidence can be attractive, but more of a naive confidence. Just being comfortable with who you are and not looking to impress.

wow... am I the girl that guys just want to date, not settle down with, but just date. (well that's probably every girl because 99% of men are assholes) Dating's weird for me, I'm apparently an amazing flirt, (thanks Jess for that backhanded compliment) but once things progress I immediately turn into relationship Brit.

And - this was supposed to be posted yesterday!

oops... so i've already slipped

But in my defense it was for good reason. I wont' go into all the detail of that good reason but there was good reason.

TODAY! YAY! FRIDAY FINALLY!

i should be capturing my playlist for the morning but that takes too much effort with the work i need to be doing...

but today's gonna be good, great! i love it when the music fills my body and courses through my veins making every bit of me tingle to the point of numb. there is no better feeling in the world. Maybe the only thing better is when a touch makes me feel that way, and I'm hoping for that. Not tonight, but soon again.

Playlist right now = me dancing topless in a long flowy skirt in a field full of hippies... i love it! - aka - jam bands

Blah...

it's not a good day, but it's not a bad day either...

I'm so tired and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and go to sleep. Periods suck, but the alternative would be menopause or pregnancy and I'm not ready for either one of those just yet.... more to come later if i get bored during tax training.

Tax Training is over for the evening and I'm sitting @ home eating string cheese watching a movie alone. :( what a life...

but on the positive side of things... I'm going to actually get a tax refund this year. This will be the first time ever for me, so I've made some plans.
March - Mom, Dad, Drew, Tristan and me are going to Disney World!
May - I will be spending a glorious week in Mexico visiting one of my best friends who is assisting in opening a resort of sorts. A little island with me on it in a bathing suit and a fruity drink in hand. I can't think of anything better.
June - Disney World again, but this time with Jess and Amelia.
Then at some point later in the year if I have anything left i'm escaping to italy and france for a week. - or maybe New Years in New York!

This eveing, before tax training... lets just say wasn't the best of evenings. I had a melt down because like always... ugh... i don't even want to go into it

Sooooooo Bored

So... my day has started. I didn't want to wake up, after I'd already woke up 30 min before the alarm went off and felt great, but talked myself back to sleep. Go me!

I got sick last night, had an emotional breakdown but kept it hidden pretty well, or so I think, who knows.

more to come later... if i feel like it

Day 4 of the New Year

So far so good... not really too many complaints. I'm gearing up for the tax season and anxiously awaiting the $ that it will bring in (anythings a help right now). Then hopefully this summer or fall I can start back to school. I have no clue what I want to do right now. I have ideas but...

I've already done my allotted writing today on Tristan's Blog so I don't feel too bad about cutting this short!.

Guess I should date these... Nahhhh

Well i'll start this morning off right... Good Morning.

It's my first day back @ work and it feels good to get back to something normal! There's tons to catch up on and tons of meetings to attend this week. Boring, I know. I really really know. ;)

So back to the grind... if i get more time later I'll add.

ha ha look @ that

Day 1 and I've almost blown it already... its late and I'm in bed... boys on his cot next to me.
He's been sick. Guess he got the funk uncle Drew had, that blows. I also think it has something to do with stress making his immune system weak.
But tomorrow is the first Monday of the new year. I really don't want to go back to work but bills gotta be paid. And lucky Friday is payday. So ill be able to get something paid.
Goodnight.

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