1-1-11

So... a new year... resolutions: #1: workout, at least 3 days a week. #2: yoga 3 days a week. #3: write daily, 365 post this year. #4: love someone. I don't think this list is too much. Happy New Year!

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12/27/10

After a few mind blowing experiences... I'm moving on. It's time to start a new... as of Jan 1, 2011 blog is to be renamed... New Beginnings, Moving on, and Success. 2010 was beyond a terrible year but in the past 2 months i've realized so many things. My current husband, sucks, as a husband, partner, lover, or roommate. I'm not trying to be hateful but these are obvious facts I've overlooked. We have nothing in common except our son.

So I'll raise a glass to my health and happiness.

so... an update

i know it's been a while - things have been on the up & down - mostly down i guess... i still can't help but be crazy in love with a man who apparently wants nothing to do with me for reasons even he himself cannot verbalize.

so... beyond that i'm surviving. getting a bit better each day I guess, well not really.


There have been more post but none published as of yet.

the day after - Wednesday 11/16/2010

I didn't sleep all night so I finally got out of bed at 4am. I reluctantly dressed myself in the best I could drag myself to find. I couldn't just sit around for 2 hours to wake my son so I cleaned. I unloaded and then loaded the dishwasher. I picked up the living room, the office, and the bathroom as quietly as I could as to not wake my boy. 6am rolled around finally it felt like and i woke and dressed my boy. I felt I needed to be conscious going forward so I turned the heat in the house way down since we wouldn't be there all day and we walked out the door. It everything I had not to cry the whole drive into work. I dropped Tristan off in the child care center and went to my office to be alone.



alone is how I spend most of my days, I have a pretty darn easy job that keeps me busy but not thinking. I don't think I was able to accomplish anything that day. All I could do was cry.



9am - "i can hear kyle's voice" I thought to myself desperately. Kyle is a music director @ WFPK in Louisville and he also has an on air shift from 9am to noon. I just wanted to ear his voice because the last 12 hours had felt like eternity to me. i flipped on my iTunes and clicked on the stream. It was Mark Bacon. I couldn't help but talk to myself ,"what the fuck, how, why, God could he really be that fucking lazy? I'm the one who got dumped yet my ass is still here at work"


I guess he was.

He called me around the noon hour and asked if he could stop by the house and pick up some clothes. This upset me more because he had made up his mind that this was going to be more than a day thing.

At this point his truck still wasn't working. The night before when he had left I'm assuming he walked to his friends house or called and was able to have him come pick him up off the side of the street somewhere. So Charles drove Kyle to the house to to pick somethings up.

Charles is the friend Kyle chose to stay with. Possibly the only one who would take him in. I wold probably blame a lot of things on Charles but I'll wait till later to get to that.

Kyle took some clothes and Cd's. Cd's his prized possessions. Kyle is queer for Cd's, more so than any other person I know. He cared more for his Cd's than anything else I think, quite possibly more than himself, which is a damn big stretch.

I made it through my day at work that Wednesday, not completing anything but surviving it none the less. I was scared to go home that day, fearing Kyle took more than he did. I didn't know if I could handle a drastic change like that.

We made it home, nothing had looked to change too much. besides that fact that kyle was not there to welcome us home as he always had, with a kiss and a hug, every day for 7 years. I still couldn't do anything but try to keep my mind off things so I popped a movie in for the boy
and I started to clean more. Hoping and Praying that something would trigger in Kyle and make him want to come home to us.

My house is virtually spotless right now, except for the toys. Luckily I can use my depression for good, i have to stay busy when I'm upset so I clean.

That night I was so tired, my mother & grandmother both ended up coming over and that exhausted me, I fell asleep on the couch around 8. Thanks goodness mom & Granny took care of the boy for me. They got him ready for bed and we both went to sleep.

3 weeks ago today

I had thought things were going better. Kyle and I had been having some issues. Some very deep rooted issues involving his mother and my boredom with my job. 3 days prior I finally got Kyle to talk to me. Finally it felt like it had been forever since he'd actually communicated with me on a serious level. I had been going through some pretty damn heavy stuff and I needed him.

Here is the text conversation (it's a short one)
B- Are you avoiding me
K - Hang on
B - do you love me
K - yes
B - any elaborating? :)
K - Not over Texts. I think we should talk come more. Tonight?
B - I don't like the way that sounds :(
K - we need to finish our conversation. we stopped the other night. I was drained from talking about it as much as we had.
K - It's horrible timing, but we're setting up for the meeting
B- All I wanted to know if you loved me and that i love you. i was just trying to be sweet, not serious or angry.

That was the night he left. He came home after his meeting and I couldn't wait around for him to
start so I jumped right in. I wanted to know what was up. what was so wrong. I had felt better about us than I had in months.

We talked for not too long. Tristan was in the bath so I had to keep an eye on him.

I immediately became defensive. There was no yelling but as soon as Kyle told me he was unhappy and had been for quite some time I couldn't not be defensive. I threw the words out there "if your not happy then I think you should leave" I could not have regretted anything more in my life up to that moment. I wasn't serious and didn't mean it and I told him that, where I then proceeded to beg him to stay. But he wouldn't listen. He was able to still close the door behind him even those my tears were beginning to puddle right behind it.

That night I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I slept in my sons bed with him like I have every night since my husband walked out the door.

That was 3 weeks ago today.

Introduction

I saved this blog name/address in hopes I would have something positive to write. That I would have some inspiring story to tell. But instead I'm using it to cronicle the uncharted territory ahead. A territory I never intended to have to cross. Being a divorced mother.

I never even could have imagined that one day this would be me. I waited and found a great guy. One who loved me, one who wanted nothing more than to be around me. We waited to get married, not very long but long enough that we both knew we wanted it. Then we enjoyed just each other for 3 long years before we decided and planned to have a baby. Pregnancy was amazing, knowing that the love that you and your partner had created was manifesting inside your person. Growing into a person that would be part you and part your husband. The reason we wanted to have a baby was an easy one. The love we had for each other was so filling and overflowing we felt it only right to create another life vessel to pour that love into.

But I guess that was a turning point. When my son was born I instinctively changed. I became a mother. I was happy at home tending to my wifely and motherly duties in the evening and working a full time job during the day. That first year of my son's life was amazing to me. All the first's, watching him grow and take on a personality of his own. My husband on the other hand was (like he still is today) more preoccupied with himself and bettering himself. I guess I should have seen it then.

Now my son is 3 years old. And 3 weeks ago today his father, my husband and the love of my life left us.