Sometimes you just know.

I have known immediately about 2 people total in my life how I would always feel. Surprisingly both of those individuals are too busy to take notice. One was a very long time ago and one pretty recent. Both of these people have brought out the crazy in me, but I believe that's a reason i feel so strongly. The most passionate and extreme emotions one can feel are for someone that can drive them to their extremes. Good & Bad. These relationships generally never last, and understandably so. When that much emotion is throw into such a small space it will generally destroy everything in it's path. But the ride is well worth the pain in the end.

One would think that by dating someone older you would gain some experience points in many of the standard aspects of dating & relationships. I have since found this to be very untrue. Not that I have dated many older men (older being 37+ seeing as how a 1o year differential is accepted as normal). Thus the 1 older man I've dated was awkward socially and a beyond terrible kisser. (maybe I should make this private ;) ) Maybe someone older doesn't necessarily have the experience.

Gaining experience is about opening yourself up to new challenges & changes right, being open to experimentation, allowing your boundaries to be broken down and accepting the fear that comes along with it and embracing it.

I seek experience, life, broken boundaries and above all else intense emotion.

You can't help who you love

It took me the longest time to believe this, but now I do. And I'm still not a better person for it unfortunately.

What even is love - can anyone really tell me? Love should not be able to be expressed in words but more a touch, an urge, an obsession of sorts. Is love even feasible? Is monogamy acceptable in our ever changing brain chemistry? How easy is it to turn off our brains and that capacity for caring? All simple questions that I've experienced the answers of. But the realization of these questions & answers is a completely different story.

Yesterday was good and bad. Today I don't really hold high hopes for... Do I have the capacity to read the cards I lay out in front of me? I hope so. Wish me luck.

Card reading over... surprisingly spot on from my intuition.
I'll document for later purposes.
FYI - these are not initials.
Love Money Arguments Problems
K S 3 3 4 2
K D 2 2 2 5
K C 2 4 3 2

Ask me out - K D
Best lover - K S
Make me happiest - K D
Unfaithful - K S
Most heartache - K C
Loves me most - K C
Fulfill my wish - K S
Bad tempered - K S

So... not surprisingly I can see most of this as spot on.

Booking Flights and Making Reservations

Ahh Plans... I'm loving it.

Currently I'm making reservations for my Disney Trip in June and Booking my flight to Mexico in April.

In May, I'm going to tear my mud room down and put me up a porch.

And I guess I should start mapping out my garden now.





wtf wtf wtf... that's how my day has gone. i'm not going any further into that.

Sooooo Tired

Yesterday was long... @ work @ 7, Block @ 5:30 - home @ 9:30 to paint till 11 then talk till 1... blah

I'm developing a deeper sense of what I want in a partner...

Anticipation

guess it's easy to say I'm looking forward to a free weekend... apparently i don't have to work so that's a yay i guess.

By Golly!

well it's 10:30 but the day thus far is going smashing.

Well this past weekend was one for the emotional books...
I'm hoping I didn't screw up the possibility of a good thing because I'm way too honest. I don't regret anything, then again I never do. I am comfortable enough with myself to have no regrets. Which I guess is a pretty damn bold statement... Go me!

Friday - Finally

Not that there's anything big planned for tonight like there was last week but it's nice to know that the week's over and I get to relax for the next 3 days. Yes that's right 3... Monday's a holiday so i get to keep my happy ass in bed Monday morning for as long as Tristan will let me sleep.

Back's still killing me. I am in desperate need of a massage. I actually started a tax return for an awesome young massage therapist the other day, maybe I should give her a call. Or there's always Magic Fingers, I always knew she would do something with those amazing hands of hers. Either way I am in need of a rub down.

Had dinner with the soon to be ex last night... it was oddly productive I guess. We were polite and able to speak as friends I believe. I did get upset a few times but nothing drastic. 7 years is alot of time to invest in 1 person and not be upset about it.

ok well i've had an extremely crazy day, super fun for once but crazy. I totally think i've scared a few people away... hope not... but who knows.

So getting hopes up... I figure I do better when i don't get those pesky hopes up, no expectations. but it's so hard for me to live without hopes and expectations. I'm not sure what i'm feeling, i know what i want to feel but the feelings are hiding out in a deep dark corner until they are prompted to evacuate. so who's going to pull that damn fire alarm? somebody's gotta - i only hope it's the right person.

In Talking to K:
we figured this out
K:
see dude you are a lot like me
did you eer feel like you were the man in your relationship with kyle
B:
oh fuck yea all the time
K:
sometimes i feel like my and mine hubbys roles are reversed
B:
my parents even said i was the 1 who wore the pants
K:
HA HA HA
B:
no joke
K:
i wear the pants becuas emy husband wont
so what am i to do
then he resents it
its like man up and grow balls
B:
dude i'm not sure there is much you can do about it... i just hope yours doesnt' end like mine... we're alot alike personality wise... we very strong in our beliefs and only willing to sway if we can be proven factually wrong... i think men see that as a challenge and then find out later on they can't handle it
K:
HAHAHA you summed it up totally
but the thing is
i have dated people who were like No, this is how I want it
and becuase they stand up to me
i give respect and it's not my way all the time
B:
yup
K:
so its not like i have to be that way
but men bring it out of me
B:
and it's always gonna be that way for us i think... also having kids gives us more reason to stand strong for ourselves and our kids
K:
oh yeah


Well awesome to hell in 60 seconds...
Kyle just called to tell me he was offered and declined a job in Dallas, which is apparently the 4th largest Triple A market in the country, because he didn't want to leave "us". I wish he would freaking leave. It would make my like a million times easier. Also I wish he would stop rubbing his success (which is half because of me) in my face. Why did i fucking sacrifice for 7 years to get him to where he wanted to be just to get dumped on... oh well i did it because we were supposed to be a team. we were supposed to take care of each other... right that's what you do when your married.... oooooh fuck him. This is why i drink.

Sometimes it's like he's pouring salt in an open wound for the fun of it. Above anything else I hate feeling used... just because i have my shit straight, and have a good head on my shoulders doesn't mean the losers of the world can latch on for a ride to where they want to go. I don't have the will to push anyone else up the ladder, i can barely make it up myself at this point.

This should have been added earlier - but here we go.
Song of the day - Aerosmith - Dream on