Stressed out, Sneaking veggies into Tristan's diet, Broke, and Wedding Planning

I am beyond stressed out right now and I've yet to pinpoint the trigger.
Maybe it's that I've not taken the time to force myself to do yoga on a daily basis; maybe there's too much on my plate; maybe it's the thought of a wedding, tiny, huge or even eloping; maybe not having a job is leaving me with too much alone time to think... and a hundred other reasons.

If Tristan had it the way he wanted it he would live on Cheetos. While I despise snack foods and all the lack of nutrition they bring to an empty stomach, I occasionally will agree to let them cross the threshold. Recently I've had to find new and sometimes seemingly disgusting ways to sneak veggies into his diet. For Steven & I it's not really a huge deal, we are way more happy with a plate of grilled veggies than any super sweet cake you throw our way. We've even said we probably will forgo the cake at any reception that may follow whatever ceremony we eventually choose. But back to Tristan's veggie dilemma. From an early age he's had a skill in picking out the one green thing in his mouth and promptly spitting out only that 1 green item. It's amazing to me that this is possible, but he's a kid so maybe it's a talent he'll grow out of. Recently I've went so far as to take a cup of our stir fry veggies, blending it, adding tomato to it for red coloring and passing it off as pasta sauce over his rice. Today he's eating veggie chicken nuggets. I just can't figure out why oh why it's so hard to get a kid to eat halfway decent... wait i remember... it's the grandparents.

I find it sad personally that today I downloaded an app for my phone to track my daily spending. I know I'm a shopper, I get it honestly. (Thanks Mom) but it sucks when you get to a point where there are almost no options... I guess I should start saving now so I don't get too overwhelmed when my unemployment runs out and I've yet to find a job that will pay the bills and won't even cover the cost of daycare.

I'm about to the stress level where I'm about to say enough. I'm not really sure where I would want a wedding to be. I know only a few things I want for my wedding. I want a massage the morning of, a nice light lunch before the ceremony, I want pictures, I want a nice and easy romantic dinner after the ceremony on the wedding night, I don't want to be too tired to consummate my marriage, and I want a nice relaxing honeymoon. I really don't think these things are too much to ask but who knows.

Neo-Marriage

Anyone who’s been married at a young age, had children and divorced knows the benefits that can come from a single status on many financial statements, tax returns, financial aid applications, any low income government assistance program. So why is it so beneficial to do things “the wrong way”? I’m of course divorced, who hasn’t experienced one in today’s society, but I’m also newly engaged. As a currently “single for tax purposes” girl this gets my neo-hippie side thinking and the long flowy skirts & sandals are broken out yet again; Ok, it’s summer so they’re actually already out.

I’ll share the story of my first marriage and divorce. We married when I was 21, he was 23. I realize this is young by today’s standards but we were obsessively in love. For the first 5 years of our marriage, including the birth of our son, there was virtually no work that had to be put into it. Our last year of marriage was a doozy. Work was beyond stressing me out, I worked with my mother in law and I hope I don’t have to tell you how bad of a situation that is, because of my mother in law I lost interest in my husband, I believe we may have had sex a dozen times over the course of that year, and at my breaking point I had a friend who took his own life. All of these things left me in shambles. I finally sought out help but unlucky for me as my first appointment was approaching my husband came home one night, told me he had been unhappy for a year, not once had he mentioned a word of this to me, and walked out the door of our home for good. This was the week before Thanksgiving. So I cried, a lot, lost almost 30 lbs in 3 weeks from not eating. Lucky for me I’d already had all my Christmas shopping complete so I didn’t have to worry about any of that. A few days before Christmas my husband asked for a divorce, as much as I didn’t want to I gave in and we took care of the whole process ourselves, no lawyers. He knew he was in the wrong so he let me have everything, all he wanted was to see his son on a regular basis and I’ll give it to the guy he does love his son almost more than anything.

But back to my main point, In today’s society a marriage license really holds no value, there’s always an easy out, the sanctity of marriage does not hold true in today’s government. If marriage is a covenant between man and woman and between the couple and God then why is government even involved? (I don’t want to alarm anyone who’s in a same sex marriage, I completely support you in your longing for love just as any other individual, but for the purposes of my rant, I wanted to referenced the actual church beliefs) What about the separation of church & state? I really won’t go into this realm of conversation. Why? If the government wants people to do things “the right way” then why do they make it so beneficial for people to do thing “the wrong way”. Now I’m also not a religious person, but I can get behind their views on marriage, less the 1 Man & 1 Woman only thing.

But again back to topic. I’m getting married! But how? My neo-hippie brain is working this out as we speak. Besides my “down with the man” attitude, I have a bit of knowledge on the financial side as well. I’ve prepared taxes for about 5 years now and I’ve witnessed the benefits single mothers or individual are granted. And I also know from personal experience the many fewer benefits you receive from being married on your tax return. Another penalty I’ve recently come upon is government assistance for college. Before my divorce I was expected to pay for college entirely out of pocket. I did not qualify for any government assistance. Now that I’m a “single mother” almost every bit of my college is being paid for. And I won’t dive into all the other “single mother” government assistance programs that are available. This Link has a few more of the general pros & cons on the financial side of marriage. All I really took from this is to just make sure to make it legal before either one of you kicks the bucket. But that’s what I’m saying, if it’s only going to benefit us after one or the other passes then why should we penalize ourselves when we’ve got long lives to live?

Why, if no legal state marriage then do I want all the pretties that go along with your standard wedding vows? I have a soft spot for symbols, and wedding and rings are just that. Forgive me women’s rights activist but I want the world to see that I belong to my man and him to me. I’m proud to be his woman; if I wasn’t then I’m sure I wouldn’t be so concerned about the current topic. As for a wedding, I want to share our union with our family and friends and I’d like for us to look nice doing that. I really don’t think it’s too much to ask.

My plan for this religious/government mess: In a short simple explanation, I want a contract. Between me and my spouse, stating that in the event of impending separation we are legally bound to attend a minimum of 6 months of weekly counseling. If a split is because of a person’s unfaithfulness then the guilty party is to leave the relationship immediately with a steep financial penalty. (Because really, let’s face it the only way you can hurt someone who’s not invested is by hitting their pocketbook) Children, custody and child support can also be written into this contract. For me personally this would be to insure that either parent’s rights are not taken away, both have options, and lastly that the children are taken care of in the best possible way. (Satisfactory living spaces and everything else a child deserves with both parents together or separately) Keep in mind this contract could be constructed to fit the needs of any individual couple wanting an almost marriage without all the financial penalties that come along with it. It’s a rough start and I’m sure there will be many more conversations about it but hey it’s a start.

Beauty in the Breakdown?

Song of the day? Maybe. Song of the month? Possibly. Song for the last year of my life? Most definitely.

This only comes up because over the past 6 months or so I've slowly been discovering who the people around me really are and what they mean to me.

I once heard a movie quote that the reason a couple was separating is because they were nothing more than "really awesome roommates". As I look more into what my life was I don't see much more than basically that. Don't get me wrong, I do believethat there was intense and deep love originally but that I believe that may have been it. I didn't want to believe it when Kyle told me that we just didn't have anything in common anymore. Maybe it's because we really never had anything in common except the love for our son.

I've thought to myself that the only really hard transition for me when Kyle left was dealing with being alone in the house. The single parent aspect was not really a big deal because most of the time I already felt like a single mom. Kyle wouldn't join us on outings or to doctors visits. If Tristan was sick I was the one who had to take off work to stay @ home with a sick baby even though Kyle worked from home and didn't really do much except stare into a computer all day. Oh that's also what was happening when we were on our outings. We have a zoo membership and would be there every weekend, and Kyle would only join us a handful of times. Yea I know the zoo gets boring every weekend but it's a cheap outing, you can get in your exercise and the boy has a blast. Especially when the splash park's open.

I use to say that if you care about someone you'll deal with their friends just to be around that someone. Maybe I've lost faith in this statement. I want to believe it but after the newness wears off is it really more about just not dealing with those people. I love my best friend Jessica. She is probably the person in the world that I love the most besides my own flesh & blood. Granted I find her annoying probably about a third of the time she's still the person I'm always content to spend my time with. Doesn't hurt that her beautiful little girl is close to Tristan's age so that in itself makes our time together better and easier. But back to the main point. Do the people I marry or date really like me enough to deal with my friends on an almost every day basis?

it's been a while

Needless to say the lack of writing has been in direct correlation with unexpectedly being swept off my feet by the sweetest of guys. I'm not sure how I of all people get this lucky. I did have an epiphany the other day while talking to my best bud of long. I'm actually not lucky anywhere else in life but in love and I'll take that. I feel for this friend, she's a beautiful person (OK so I'm exaggerating a bit, but...) My friend has never stayed with a guy I recommended to her, I believe it's because of fear of something good happening to her. But I can't let this be my concern. I try to help her and I think she may have recently learned to listen to me because I would never intentionally steer her wrong, but it's too late for the many a man I've sent her way. But back to me.

I feel very lucky and loved to have such great people in my life. I'm grateful for my naive best friend of long, my kooky best friend of soul, my obsessed best friend of experience, my caring best friend of heart, my sweetest best friend of birth, and my newest best friend of touch and taste.

my escape

I've always had an obsession and lust for food. It's actually my one of my strongest natural instincts, right behind that mothering instinct. My love affair with good food is not as long lived as I would like but I'll deal. It's been a refreshing do-over from my most recent relationship that the new man in my life is a foodie who likes to cook.
I've never really been OK with just anyone in my kitchen. I'm very protective of my kitchen space, it's always been mine and mine alone. There have been very very few I've let into that space. There has to be a balance in a kitchen, a flow, almost a beautiful dance in synchronized harmony. Ups and downs, turns and passes, all to insure the safety of course and most importantly to the outcome of a beautiful and tasty meal to enjoy with loved ones.
Nothing calms me more than a glass of wine in one hand and a knife in the other. (yes I know that sounds bad, but hopefully you get what I really mean)My kitchen is my escape from everyday life. So why should I let just anyone in? I don't, so those of you who I allow in my small haven are pretty damn special. I've allowed you to cross more than my personal boundaries and into my life. I've allowed you into my kitchen.

Full Moon in Virgo on Saturday

I'm a superstitious person. Always have been. The few times I've ignored my gut have ultimately turned out bad, may have taken some time but the worse came out of these situations.
I check my horoscope. I don't base my life around it but I check it. It does usually seem to be a day behind though.
I generally only pay attention to the good days, cause if it's bad I'll already know it and from that point on I'll force it to be better.
Our lives are more judged by the moon than any of us really want to give it credit for.

Choices

With everything completely backwards that's happened to me over the past 4 months, I've finally realized that the choices I have now to make are my own and mine alone. They always have been really but there have too many others to please with my choices and being the giving person I am, I always choose to pass on my personal happiness for another.

The people I choose to associate myself with are by my choice. The people I choose to give my time to are my choice. The foods I decide to eat, and the places I choose to frequent are my choice.

There is one person only in my life that I will pass my happiness on to and I hope that's an obvious one to all.