the day after - Wednesday 11/16/2010

I didn't sleep all night so I finally got out of bed at 4am. I reluctantly dressed myself in the best I could drag myself to find. I couldn't just sit around for 2 hours to wake my son so I cleaned. I unloaded and then loaded the dishwasher. I picked up the living room, the office, and the bathroom as quietly as I could as to not wake my boy. 6am rolled around finally it felt like and i woke and dressed my boy. I felt I needed to be conscious going forward so I turned the heat in the house way down since we wouldn't be there all day and we walked out the door. It everything I had not to cry the whole drive into work. I dropped Tristan off in the child care center and went to my office to be alone.



alone is how I spend most of my days, I have a pretty darn easy job that keeps me busy but not thinking. I don't think I was able to accomplish anything that day. All I could do was cry.



9am - "i can hear kyle's voice" I thought to myself desperately. Kyle is a music director @ WFPK in Louisville and he also has an on air shift from 9am to noon. I just wanted to ear his voice because the last 12 hours had felt like eternity to me. i flipped on my iTunes and clicked on the stream. It was Mark Bacon. I couldn't help but talk to myself ,"what the fuck, how, why, God could he really be that fucking lazy? I'm the one who got dumped yet my ass is still here at work"


I guess he was.

He called me around the noon hour and asked if he could stop by the house and pick up some clothes. This upset me more because he had made up his mind that this was going to be more than a day thing.

At this point his truck still wasn't working. The night before when he had left I'm assuming he walked to his friends house or called and was able to have him come pick him up off the side of the street somewhere. So Charles drove Kyle to the house to to pick somethings up.

Charles is the friend Kyle chose to stay with. Possibly the only one who would take him in. I wold probably blame a lot of things on Charles but I'll wait till later to get to that.

Kyle took some clothes and Cd's. Cd's his prized possessions. Kyle is queer for Cd's, more so than any other person I know. He cared more for his Cd's than anything else I think, quite possibly more than himself, which is a damn big stretch.

I made it through my day at work that Wednesday, not completing anything but surviving it none the less. I was scared to go home that day, fearing Kyle took more than he did. I didn't know if I could handle a drastic change like that.

We made it home, nothing had looked to change too much. besides that fact that kyle was not there to welcome us home as he always had, with a kiss and a hug, every day for 7 years. I still couldn't do anything but try to keep my mind off things so I popped a movie in for the boy
and I started to clean more. Hoping and Praying that something would trigger in Kyle and make him want to come home to us.

My house is virtually spotless right now, except for the toys. Luckily I can use my depression for good, i have to stay busy when I'm upset so I clean.

That night I was so tired, my mother & grandmother both ended up coming over and that exhausted me, I fell asleep on the couch around 8. Thanks goodness mom & Granny took care of the boy for me. They got him ready for bed and we both went to sleep.